using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
