I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize