Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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