Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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