She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
