I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize