you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
