I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
