All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
