I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
