awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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