i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
