It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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