The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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