this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
