I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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