So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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