The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize