I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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