honey bunches of taint.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
