ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
