I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
