well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize