I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
