God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
