He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
