Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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