I met the friendliest cop last night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
