Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
