my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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