I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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