Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dicks are not precious.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
