3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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