how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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