I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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