Betty ford says i'm here all night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
