My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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