Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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