at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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