if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
