I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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