Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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