U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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