Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
