How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
