I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
