I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
