grandma shit on top of the toilet
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
