i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
