We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
