I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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