the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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