I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
