Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
