All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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