I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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