I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize