And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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